Some Skill at Conkers
by LadyRani
Summary: Bilbo Baggins was a humble hobbit, but he would admit that his pride was a little wounded. After all, conkers could be far more deadly than some hairy men waving around swords.
1. Chapter 1

Conkers was about as violent as anything got in the Shire. Generally, they were a peaceful people with little taste for things other than a good meal and a warm home. However, each society does have its vices and friendly competitions. So, the hobbits played conkers.

Bilbo acknowledged that was a slightly different, more hardy version of course, but it was conkers just the same. The men from Bree were often quite shocked when the hobbits there let them join in.

Despite the dangers of the game, it was quite the popular pastime for faunts and younger hobbits. Tournaments were held every year and even the hobbits from Buckland and Bridgefields ventured to compete. His mother, Belladonna, had been one of the few females who enjoyed a good game and continued to love it until her death. Bungo, in contrast, had been one of the few men that sat out of the matches and preferred cheering. It was often a good spot of fun watching his mother whip some young up-and-comer into shape during a hearty round. Maybe, Bilbo mused, that was where his skill had come from.

Bilbo himself was the Hobbiton champion for three years running. It was quite an impressive title in the Shire and in the surrounding lands, considering his age and his social standing. Perhaps that's why he was so shocked and displeased when Thorin Oakenshield and his company seemed unimpressed.

Bilbo sat in front of his warm fireplace, smoking his pipe. The dwarves had long ago retired to their hastily readied rooms to sleep. He was dreadfully tired from cleaning up his floors, making up beds, and putting away dishes. Not to mention, the mere thought of journeying on this quest had his vision blurring at the edges.

Shockingly, however, what weighed most on his mind were that rude, awful dwarf's words to him.

_"Tell me, Mr. Baggins," _the dwarf had begun_, "Have you done much fighting?"_

Bilbo had had a bad day to be certain but he prided himself on having a modest temper. He would be quite right to say he was surprised and upset at the amount of smelly men in his kitchen, but nothing had shocked him quite so much as this man's rudeness.

_"Pardon me?" _He had said, aghast. Thorin had ignored him and confidently made his way further into the hobbit hole.

_"Ax or sword? What's your weapon of choice?"_

_"Well, I do have some skill at conkers, if you must know…but I don't see how that's relev-" _he began proudly, but was interrupted again_._

_"I thought as much," _said Thorin Oakenshield as he turned his attention from his host_. "He looks more like a grocer than a burglar." _Heat had risen to Bilbo's cheeks and his ears practically vibrated in anger. He had felt his hand wander to his pocket and he had glanced at Gandalf. One small shake of the wizard's head had Bilbo backing down.

Sitting in front of the fire, the hobbit still felt anger at the dwarven king's words. Sure, he had grown a tad bit thicker around the middle but he did not think he had lost all his fauntling strength. Bilbo huffed, aggressively blowing a few smoke rings. Conkers may not be the same as sword fighting but it was nothing to sneer at, either.

He had several plaques displayed around the hole that attested to his skill and strength at the game but no dwarves even spared them a glance. Bilbo was a humble lad but he had to admit, while he was sitting there stewing in his own father's armchair, that his pride was wounded.

He took a few more puffs of his pipe before putting it out more calmly. There was no use becoming angry now. The offending parties were all dreaming of gold and rocks while he should be making a life-changing decision, not stewing about insults like a child. As he walked silently to his room, Bilbo gave a small grin as he thought that he may just go along to teach them a lesson or two about conkers.

_"More like a grocer than a burglar." _The nerve.

_Hey guys! This is my second story on here and I just got to thinking, what if conkers was actually a rather violent game and Bilbo downplayed his skill? This will probably only be a three-shot, but just let me know what you think with a review!_


	2. Chapter 2

They'd reached Bree after a few days' travel. Bilbo's rump had yet to adjust itself to the constant riding but he was doing his best to keep from complaining. After an initial complaint of forgetting his handkerchief, the rest of the company had been making veiled comments about his inexperience. Thorin was the worst. Bilbo found his hand wandering towards the pocket that housed his conkers more and more frequently with every "keep up, Master Burglar, else you'll get lost," and "hobbit, control your pony." It was a relief when they reached the Prancing Pony and dismounted for the night.

"We stay here tonight," said Thorin as he grabbed his saddlebags. The rest of the company followed suit. Fili and Kili had huge grins on their faces, probably at the prospect of a hearty meal and a warm room. They raced into the inn with their bags in their arms, shouting. As Thorin passed him, he said, "Prepare yourself, burglar, for this will be the last bed you see for a long while."

It was true that he was not used to this but he was far from the worst travelling companion ever. The prick. Bilbo huffed as he struggled to remove his pack from Myrtle.

"Bilbo Baggins, you seem to be feeling quite worse for wear, I fear." Gandalf the Gray lifted a pack from the pony and handed it to the hobbit with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Yes, Gandalf, I am already quite fed up with your company. Most just glare at me the entire time! Especially that horrid, rude, arrogant-"

"Bilbo, I'm afraid you are forgetting that this is our company now, not just mine," laughed the tall man. He followed Bilbo through the green door of the inn and continued. "It has been but three days since we've started our journey. You must give them time for dwarves are neither as kind as hobbits, nor as strong."

Bilbo rolled his eyes but nodded. The innkeeper showed him to his room with a smile and then went back down the well-worn stairs as Bilbo began unpacking. He had given his word and signed the contract. No stoic, proud, _handsome_-no. No wandering king would make him break his word or give up so easily. No matter how blue his eyes were.

He would make Thorin like him.

Later that night, Bilbo wandered back downstairs for dinner and saw the majority of the dwarves seated around a long table with drinks in hand. Raucous laughter could be heard from the table and his eyes went straight to the king. He was talking lowly to Dwalin at the head of the table. There were a few hobbits on tall stools in front of the bar, but Bilbo ignored him. He cautiously approached and took a seat next to Ori with a smile.

The bright young dwarf covered in knitwear was one of the two dwarves he had actually spoken to so far on the journey. Ori was forever writing and drawing in his leather-bound book and often asked him the names of flowering plants and their uses.

"Hello, Master Baggins! Dori was just about to send someone up for you!"

"Oh no, no! No need to inconvenience anyone on my behalf!" Bilbo stuttered. The last thing he needed was someone being pulled from their meal to wake him from a nap. Ori just smiled and passed him a tankard before returning to his meal. Bofur threw him a roll, but right before Bilbo could bite into the wonderful, warm bread he felt a tap on his shoulder.

"Excuse me, but are you Mister Bilbo Baggins?" Bilbo turned and saw a tall man looming over him with a drink in his hand and a smile on his face. Several of the dwarves stopped speaking and glared suspiciously at him.

Bilbo smiled and nodded slightly. "I am, sir, and you are?"

"Oh, Thomas, Thomas Coving!" cried the young man, shaking Bilbo's outstretched hand enthusiastically. "I trade frequently around Frogmortan and I just wanted tah say tha' I saw you at last year's Tournament. Quite magnificent! Never really got the 'ang of the game mee'self!"

Almost all of the dwarves were staring now and Bilbo felt himself blush slightly. He had never gotten used to this type of praise. "Well, thank you very much, I-"

"Oi, boys!" Thomas cried over to the bar. The hobbits there turned around. "This 'ere is Bilbo Baggins!" Smiles lit several of the young hobbit's faces as they sped over.

"Oh Mr. Baggins it's so nice to meet'cha!"

"Baggins? As in the Baggins? An honor, sir, an honor!"

"Time for a quick match, sir? Just one!"

So many phrases were being said to him that Bilbo had a difficult time keeping who said what straight. "Thank you, boys, I- no I'm not sure a match is a wise- an honor? I'm not sure it's an honor-"

"Here, give him some room," ordered Bofur. "What's all this about?"

"Yes, Master Baggins. What is this commotion all about?" Thorin had stood and most of the room had been silenced. _Tournament? The grocer could have hardly done anything noteworthy in a tournament_," thought Thorin.

Before Bilbo could answer a younger hobbit, of about 30, spoke up.

"We need to borrow Mister Baggins for a quick game out back!"

"I'm not sure I can at the moment, actually. I'm a bit busy with-" Bilbo said while trying to seem apologetic. Before he could finish he was again interrupted.

"By all means, Master Burglar, do not let us keep you from…playing." The disdain dripping from Thorin's voice was practically hitting the table. Dwalin and Dori looked similarly disgusted. Bilbo ground his teeth. Well, he would show them.

"Alright," Bilbo said as he stood. The hobbits all crowed in happiness and raced out toward the back door of the inn. Thomas Coving downed his drink and set the empty mug on a nearby table.

"Gentlemen, conkers out back!" Thomas spoke to several more men and about three followed him out to play. Bilbo said he would be along shortly. He turned back to the group of dwarves. They all looked displeased, save Ori and Kili.

"Ori, Kili, would you care to watch?"

"Watch conkers?" asked Gloin. "Who would ever care to see such a boring game?" Loud laughter followed his statement as the dwarves resumed eating.

"If it's all the same, Mister Baggins, I'd come along and play," Ori quietly stood and shuffled over. Kili started to follow but his brother yanked his sleeve and he sat back down, looking sadly at his empty plate.

The two started out back, but Thorin faintly heard Bilbo say to Ori, "Now Ori, I'm not sure this is a game you should play yet. Maybe when you're a bit more experienced…" The dwarven king snorted into his soup. Conkers hardly seemed to need experience. If the cute, delicate hobbit could do it, it must be child's play.

**Hey guys! Thanks for the follows and favs! Here's Chapter 2! Hope you like it and if you have any suggestions or critiques, let me know in a review!**


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